Revealing that every season follows the same Mad Lib template, producers shock fans by revealing behind-the-scenes secrets of the show.
At the start of each season, the producers gather to play “Mad Lib: The Most Dramatic Season Ever”. Details of the current bachelor are penciled into each slot, along with descriptive adjectives such as “the most dramatic” and “the most shocking”, to produce the most exciting season ever seen, year after year.
The producers than fill in “The Bachelor Relationship Matrix” to identify the three main characters that will be developed throughout the show. Most importantly, they select the contestant that can be most easily portrayed as the villain, and begin collecting footage that can later be taken out of context to make people despise her. The also select the nice girl who never gets noticed and the girl with the tragic past.
The Bachelor: Relationship Matrix (Seasons 1-99)
In an effort to continually uncover the truth about multi-national food conglomerates, novice filmmaker Ann Shaffer tackles the hairy truth about McDonald’s fries in her upcoming documentary. After new research suggested McDonald’s fries as an anecdote to baldness, Ann decided to take research into her own hands by consuming only McDonald’s fries for 300 days. After eating a strict diet of the fried fritters for 300 days straight, Ann noticed a striking change in her hair growth. She details the change in her documentary, and in the post-production photo below.
Citing how young and naive she was at the time, local democrat Ann Spiniker expressed regret about the denouncements she made of George Bush in 2000 and 2004. Phrases like “the worst possible thing that could happen to this country” and “the biggest embarrassment that will ever enter the White House” were thrown around in youthful haste. “He now seems like my lovable, but befuddled older uncle. I had no idea what I was complaining about”.
Ann was quiet after President Trump’s most recent speech. “I don’t even know what to say. I wasted all my outrage on George W., and now I have nothing left when I really need it”.
Asked if she has any other regrets from that time, Ann mentions her email address
Asked if she has any other regrets from that time, Ann mentions her email address. “Why I thought BeachBabee7878 was a good idea is beyond me. By the time I switched to Google, every normal combination of my name was taken”.
I’m just going to be honest. My niece was not happy about this present.
This is a bearded doll with a machine gun. It is smaller than an adult human hand. It does not appear to actually fire bullets, so if you are looking for a doll that can defend itself, you are looking in the wrong place. The doll cannot speak. However, his beard is quite impressive and has been painted to appear full and thick. He has beady black eyes and arched eyebrows, as if he is angry. The doll looks quite aggressive, to be honest. As I mentioned earlier, my niece was not pleased to receive this as a present. However, I believe it would be very appropriate for someone who likes dolls with machine guns, or Team Fortress.
Dear United Airlines,
It recently came to my attention that you denied access to an emotional support peacock on one of your flights. I don’t know what all the fan fair is about. As someone who gets mild, undiagnosed anxiety when flying, I applaud your decision. There are already so many worries when flying. Will I make it to the airport on time? Will the security line be long? Will my eyes get pecked out by an emotional support animal?
Will my eyes get pecked out by an emotional support animal?
The last thing I need to worry about is whether the passenger beside me is a feathered friend, or if that feathered friend made a mess on the floor near security where I am walking around barefoot like someone who has never flown before.
The first problem with peacocks flying domestic is the bird’s feathers. Will they cause my eyes to water and my nose to run? I don’t have time for allergies.
The second problem is the peacock’s beak. Is it muzzled, or is it free to peck Willy Nilly wherever it wants? I don’t want my eye pecked out by a peacock when I’m just trying to get to my cousin’s wedding.
The third problem is a little more personal. Will the peacock wear a diaper, or has it been trained to properly and efficiently use an airplane bathroom? What about flushing the toilet? Also, if I use the bathroom after the peacock, can I contract the avian bird flu?
There are just so many unanswered questions. Until you have thoughtfully sorted out answers to these pressing questions, I applaud your decision to shut down the peacock party.
P.S. I noticed on your website that you also restrict hoofed animals and animals with tusks from flying. Would this affect an emotional support Kangaroo?
Thanks for joining me! Let’s laugh together!